Let's start again

Ok so I know it has been a while and that perhaps there is someone out there wondering if I ever managed to break the nasty habit that many of us suffer from. In short the answer is no. However I do not feel that all is lost.

Today I received my congratulations email from QuitNet. Apparently if I had of quit on Friday 16th May I would have now been 60 days smoke free.

I must say that the whole 'quit' thing has never really sat very well with me. I mean we are told from an early age that quitting is not a positive. Quitters never prosper (nor do cheaters) However there are of course some things, like smoking that we are all encouraged to quit.

When I was in year 7 (so about 12 years old) my best friend at the time told me that if I quit the Irish Dancing team then I would be a quitter all my life. I recall being slightly taken aback by this however I went on and quit anyway.

As it turned out my friend was right, well nearly. Throughout my life I have continually quit things. Irish dancing, hockey, debating, uni (twice), even friends and relationships. IN fact about the only things never quit were school and smoking!

Fingers crossed though I can change that last one

Congratulations

These beautiful flowers (which is an image from Shlomit Wolf whose work I came across on stock.xchng) are for my dear myLot friend tarheelnancy who today celebrates 5 weeks of being smoke free. A big well done is heading straight her way. She is an inspiration to us all. I look forward to the day I too will celebrate such an event (which at the rate I am going is not in the distant future! but more about me later)

9 days and counting

Well my days without are certainly getting longer. My last cigarette (for real this time) was Friday 04 April at 9pm. Today is Sunday the 13th (11pm)

Anyway the point I am making is that I have now quit for a total of 9 days and 2 hours so a huge well done to me! (the crowd goes wild)

I am aware that my posts of late have probably been a bit boring to most of you and have had very little to offer in terms of helpful quitting advice. Well here are a few of the secrets that have gotten me through these last 9 days

My top 3 ways to get through quitting

1. DEEP BREATHS
   I have been breathing in so deeply that it actually felt like I had pulled a muscle in my chest. (I have eased of slightly now). Controlled breathing is a great way to gain (or regain) focus and direction
   
   
2. LOLLIES/LOLLYPOPS
   My darling husband decided to join me on my quest however he stipulated that large quantities of sweets would be required. Given that I am always keen for cavity causing pleasures I thought these could be great substitutes for cigarettes. As it turned out not as good for me as it is my husband but definitely worth a try. Sherbet filled boiled ones are my favourites!
   
   
3. POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS
   I am a non smoker........I want to be smoke free.......My life will be better when I get through this....Not smoking is the choice to make.......Blah blah, what ever you think will work for you, I am sure you get the picture.

One minute at a time

Right now I would give anything to have a smoke. Well not really but I wouldn't mind a few puffs!

I am halfway through day two of no smoking.
If I calculate the hours maybe that will seem more impressive.
I had my last smoke Sunday 9.30pm, it is now Tuesday 11.30am so that makes...

38 smoke free hours!

Well done me :)

I know this may sound silly, but I think one of the reasons I chose to give in so easily before was because I wasn't getting enough praise. While on the one hand I didn't really struggle to say no to the smoking urge it was still an effort that I wanted recognition for.

In the beginning there was support everywhere, but after a few days of doing so well, I guess I started to feel that no one cared any more. I realise it is ridiculous to crave such attention and I am ashamed to be admitting it, but there you have it.

The other reason behind my initial failure was a lack of honesty. Don't get me wrong I never had a cigarette during the time I said I was smoke free but there were a few personal issues that I wasn't completely honest with myself about.

I am still not ready to share these with the world and I am not sure I ever will be. They involve a certain shame and stigma and chances are they will effect the way people view me and I am not sure if I have the strength to deal with that right now so I will save it for another day for now.

What I will say though is, quitting smoking (or any other bad habit) is all about making a lifestyle change. I didn't make the necessary lifestyle changes before, and while I still have a few more to make now I am more aware of their importance and therefore I believe my success rate is heightened.

A wise friend pointed out that the easiest way to quit is minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day till eventually it becomes weeks, months and years. So now I have been quit 38 hours and 7 minutes. But whose counting!

There is no stopping me now!

So two weeks on from my original quit date, I am not exactly in a position to say that I have successfully become a quitter. While I did manage to hold the cravings at bay for days on end, it was easier than I expected to fall into my old habits.

As I begin round two of quitting I am more confident in my intentions. I can see where I went wrong and have developed new strategies to combat any possible weaknesses.

The first of these new strategies is to call on the assistance of my fairies. I have read many stories of fairies helping others fight this terrible addiction so I am sure they will be happy to help.

I have also found it important to regularly update here. The days when I took the time to write about my efforts made it all feel worthwhile. I know that this is supposed to be about doing something for myself, but the fact of the matter is, myself likes smoking, so at this point in time I am my own worst enemy!

For some reason the thought of letting others down is much stronger than the disappointment I can create for myself. I guess I am just to forgiving.

I have written a list of inspirations, affirmations and general motivational thoughts to keep me on track. Naturally I will post them, on the off chance that they can be of use to you.

Also please feel free to share your experiences and thoughts.

And then I fall again

Yes, I may have managed to get back up a few times now, but I keep on falling, and falling. I may not have gone back to my old ways but if I don't take some drastic action now, then I fear that all may be lost.

So basically I am back at square one.

Two weeks after my original quit date I feel that I can no longer currently call myself a quitter. I would like to say that will change today, but deep down I know it won't. Though tomorrow is another story.

That's right folks my new quit date is March 31. I was thinking that April Fools day could be rather appropriate but then I thought why wait one more day? Of course on that theory I should just stop right now but I want to have one last one latter tonight. Really sit down and enjoy it and then revert to telling myself all the evils of tobacco!

I got knocked down but I got up again

So as some of you may know I had a tumble a few days ago. It wasn't even really like giving in. I made the mental choice to smoke again. Then I made the mental choice to stop (again).

I guess I really just wanted to check that I was certain about joining the no smoking rank in life. I am.

The one thing that has become very apparent to me over the last week is that the desire to smoke really is all in my head. As long as I remind myself that the choice not to smoke is mine and mine alone it seems to be much easier to say no.

Of course there are times when I need to give myself some reasons for saying no, but these are mainly just affirmations that I have made the right choice.

REASONS NOT TO SMOKE

1. My health
   As a mother I have the responsibility to my children to ensure that I am as healthy as possible
   
   
2. Money
   The price of petrol and general living costs these days who can afford luxuries like smoking
   
   
3. Self Respect
   While the hole my body is a temple thing is a bit excessive there are some valid points.
   
   How can I expect anyone to care about me when I refuse to look after myself?
   

Still here!

I hope you have all had a very Happy Easter. Festive times can be especially testing for quitters!

I had the double challenge of a birthday thrown in as well so my limits have been strongly tested of late.

It is with slight sorrow that I write the following. After over 120 hours of being smoke free I gave into my burning desire and had a cigarette. Actually I had more than one. Around four.

All is not lost though and I have bounced back stronger than ever before. I know that I am now more than ever assigned to the side of non smoking.

Thanks to Samuel Rosa from stock.xchng for the photo

Surely one won't hurt?

I keep asking myself this over and over again.

That nasty little voice inside my head is forever saying "surely it won't matter if I have just one. Not even a full one, just a puff or two. No one will know..."

However someone will know. Me. The most important person of all.

One of the ways I am helping myself through this ordeal is by the constant affirmation that I am the most important person I know.

This is not meant to sound conceited.

As a wife and mother I am constantly putting other people before myself. At times this is not a problem. However, there are occasions when I need to remember that it is alright to put my needs before others.

The person most worthy of my kindness and honesty is myself. If I am willing to lie to myself how can I possibly expect others to take my word.

There has been a time in my life when I felt like everything I ever said was a lie. My reasons for this behaviour are extensive. It was partly because I was so unhappy with my life I would do anything to change reality. The easiest way to change it was to lie. The other part was I couldn't see any alternative.

At the time it served it's purpose. Some how I managed to get through relatively unscathed and without causing to much damage to others. The few scars that I do carry are only to be expected and are healing nicely with the passage of time.

I felt the need (and sometimes still do) to make people happy, at almost any cost.

So, as I struggle to resist the temptation of desire for the lethal chemicals held with in cigarettes this is what I tell myself.

Lying to anyone is wrong, lying to yourself is worse.

Regardless of who doesn't know if you smoke,
YOU will always know when you do

100 Hours and counting

The early hours of this morning saw me pass the 100 hour mark. I gave myself a pat on the back and I give an even bigger one to all those who a struggling through a similar plight.

On the one hand I can honestly say that this has not been as difficult as what I expected. On the other though I have come pretty damn close to quitting on quitting.

"How has she been maintaining this unwavering strength?" I hear you all ask. Let me tell you.

It is all in the mind.

I have always believed I can convince myself of anything. I am the only person who can control what my mind thinks. So when it starts to think it was a cigarette I just tell it that it is wrong!

The only person I will be letting down, if I don't go through with this, is myself. There are enough other people in the world to let me down, there is no need for me to be one of them.

Stay strong
Stand tall
and Breathe deep