Friday, March 21, 2008

Surely one won't hurt?

I keep asking myself this over and over again.

That nasty little voice inside my head is forever saying "surely it won't matter if I have just one. Not even a full one, just a puff or two. No one will know..."

However someone will know. Me. The most important person of all.

One of the ways I am helping myself through this ordeal is by the constant affirmation that I am the most important person I know.

This is not meant to sound conceited.

As a wife and mother I am constantly putting other people before myself. At times this is not a problem. However, there are occasions when I need to remember that it is alright to put my needs before others.

The person most worthy of my kindness and honesty is myself. If I am willing to lie to myself how can I possibly expect others to take my word.

There has been a time in my life when I felt like everything I ever said was a lie. My reasons for this behaviour are extensive. It was partly because I was so unhappy with my life I would do anything to change reality. The easiest way to change it was to lie. The other part was I couldn't see any alternative.

At the time it served it's purpose. Some how I managed to get through relatively unscathed and without causing to much damage to others. The few scars that I do carry are only to be expected and are healing nicely with the passage of time.

I felt the need (and sometimes still do) to make people happy, at almost any cost.

So, as I struggle to resist the temptation of desire for the lethal chemicals held with in cigarettes this is what I tell myself.

Lying to anyone is wrong, lying to yourself is worse.
Regardless of who doesn't know if you smoke,
YOU will always know when you do

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